Shoot First #1

In which I challenge Ashton Kutcher to prove his physical existence

Attach!: Let’s get right to. I’m surprised to see you.

Ashton Kutcher: Yeah, I dropped out of the spotlight for a little bit. I was focusing on producing and things on the other side of the camera.

A!: No, I mean I’m surprised to see you. You know that school of thought where nothing actually exists; it’s all in your head. That whole “if a tree falls in the woods and no one’s around to hear it” existential crap.

AK: I don’t think I understand what your saying.

A!: I thought you were something I made up. Anyway, it’s my own fault. Just last month I added you to my list of “Things I Haven’t Heard About in Awhile”. You were on the list with cocoa butter and former head of Homeland Security Tom Ridge. I still haven’t heard anything about cocoa butter.

AK: Ok. Well, as I said, I’ve been spending a lot of time. Why are you touching me?

A!: Just making sure you’re not a 3-D hologram. You were saying?

AK: Um…I’ve been spending a lot of time working behind the camera. I’ve been producing shows, like “Beauty and the Geek” and “Miss Guided”.

A!: Speaking of “Miss Guided”, that one fizzled out pretty fast. I feel like you owe me two hours of my life back.

AK: The show was only a half hour.

A!: Yeah, but I spent the next hour and a half coming up with a list of things that would have been a better use of my time. Want to know what #1 was?

AK: No.

A!: It’s unprintable anyway. I’ll give you the half an hour, but you still owe me ninety minutes of my life back. You should probably just stick to reality television from now on.

AK: Reality TV seems to be working out better for me. Both “Punk’d” and “Beauty and the Geek” were successes. But I don’t want to stick to one thing. I’m trying to broaden myself.

A!: Do you actually have any talents?

AK: That seems unfairly harsh.

A!: Sorry, I didn’t realize this was a hug-a-thon.

Slim Marshall (Attach!’s assistant): You put that baby in his place.

A!: Ignore him. He likes to pretend he’s the Ike to my Tina Turner.

AK: …So I have this movie that came out…

A!: Yes. “When in Vegas”. Let’s talk about that one.

AK: Well, in the movie my character marries Cameron Diaz’s character…

A!: I thought you said you were trying to broaden yourself. This was a pretty lame choice.

AK: I don’t think that it was a lame…

A!: Let me see if I can guess what happens in the movie. You’re a single guy, she’s a single girl. You meet, hit it off, and drunkenly get married. Except that, whoa! You don’t know anything about each other and you get on each other’s nerves. But then adversity strikes when Joe Pesci shows up and starts snorting lines of ADHD medication off your bathroom counter and you find out how much you care about each and everyone (except a dead Joe Pesci stuffed into the dumbwaiter) lives happily ever after and in anticipation of “When in Vegas 2: Euro Disney”

AK: Joe Pesci’s not in the movie.

A!: That’s too bad. I almost talked myself into seeing it. Ok, one last thing. I’m going to throw this quarter at you. If you can catch it, I’ll believe that you’re really here. Ready?
Nice catch. I guess I was wrong. Do you have any cocoa butter?