Spice Up My Life

  I don’t own a calendar or a day planner, so I’m never really sure what day it is. If you asked what numbered day two Tuesdays from now is, I wouldn’t be able to tell you, unless of course I have something going on around then. That’s how dates work for me. It’s probably why I sometimes forget about obligations I made. Thankfully, since I don’t do anything at all anymore, it’s been a bit easier to remember the few events that have crept on to my list of “must do”.
  At a party the other night, a friend and I were trying to figure out what days the Red Sox would be playing the Twins. Thinking out loud (as I regularly do) I said that they were playing on Tuesday and Wednesday, because I had to give blood on Thursday. See how that works? I knew I had something going on that week and was able to count back a few days. Yes, it would be a lot easier with a planner, but this way keeps my memory sharp (does it?).
  What I wasn’t anticipating was my friend’s approval to my comment about what I had going on that week. I mean, sure, I know I’m a good person for donating blood, but I don’t require other’s respect for my good deeds. In all honestly, I probably said it as more of a “see, I’m not such a lonely individual; I’ve got stuff going on” throwaway line. However, upon further consideration I decided maybe I could jazz up my personal life by making reference to these types of chivalrous acts.
  “Wednesday’s the 15, because I know Friday’s the 17 and I’m vaccinating orphans that day.”
  “I can’t do it at 2; I’ll be saving a baby from a burning building. Can we push the meeting back to 4?”
  The objective is to make bland enough statements that are a real possibility, and not just slip into absurdity. It would be easy for me to say, “We’ll have to get together another day, because on Saturday I’m meeting with my accountant to convert all my common stock into adorable puppies and kittens.” Sure, when you mention puppies and kittens, most people’s eyes sort of glaze over with cuteness, but if someone actually is paying attention to what I said, they’d realize I'm spouting gibberish. Unless I totally sell it.
  And I have to make sure to avoid the completely creepy, like “I know that it’s on Thursday because I’m making prom favors on Wednesday.” Yes, it sounds innocent enough, but I’m a grown man. Prom favors should no longer be in my vocabulary.
  As long as I can avoid the creepy, I think I could pull this off. And give myself a much more interesting life in the process.