Dear Mr. Segel,
Thank you taking to time to read my letter. This is a formal request to be your friend. I’ve followed your career for several years, and have enjoyed your performances as Marshall in “How I Met Your Mother” and as Nick Andopolis on “Freaks and Geeks”. However, my favorite was your role in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. I felt like I could relate to your character of Peter, because I too like to date short women. While I’m not as tall as you, so it’s not nearly as awkwardly hilarious, women around 5’ tall? I dig ‘em. Having watched you on both the small and big screen, I always thought to myself that you’d be a great person to be friends with. But it was during your recent interview with Terry Gross on Fresh Air, that I thought I should do something about it.
I understand that finding true friends can be tough. Having a successful Hollywood career, there must be many people who want to befriend you only so they can say that they know you. However, I assure you my intentions are true. Well, yeah, it’d be sweet to say that I know you, but it wouldn’t be like saying I know “Crossing Over” host John Edwards. That’d be more like, “Yeah, I know John Edwards, now where’s my free drink?” With you, it would totally be “Yeah, and he’s as cool as you thought he’d be.” I want to assure you, though, that it wouldn’t be a one-sided relationship.
The benefits I’ll bring to the relationship are many: I’ll provide fresh baked cupcakes and homemade bread. In fact, around Christmas I go into cookie baking mode and bake almost every day. I have a great recipe for peanut blossoms, and I only make them around the winter holidays. I know you’re Jewish, but I don’t know how to make challa, sorry; I get bitingly sarcastic when I’m drunk, and much funnier as a result; and I randomly challenge people to dance-offs. But not in a Michael Jackson in “Bad” half dance-off/half knife fight kind of way. Just a regular dance-off where at the end, everyone is friendly and we all get ice cream cones. I’m currently learning the broom dance from the movie “Breakin’”. Once I do, I should be unstoppable.
Plus, I’ll totally keep it real with you. You won’t have to worry about me sucking up to you because you’re famous. Like I thought your goatee in “Knocked Up” looked horrendous. I’m still trying to figure out if that was really your facial hair, or if it was fake. Please tell me it was fake, G-d it looked awful. Maybe that upsets you to hear, and if so, then we probably shouldn’t be friends. But you seem like a cool dude, and someone who can take a ribbing.
I look forward to hearing from you, and towards a mutually beneficial relationship.
No comments:
Post a Comment