That I'm closer to relationship happiness.
I can’t remember my parent’s ever saying it, but one thing I learned growing up is to never judge a book by its cover. I also learned that your parents aren’t always right. Which is why I have a bunch of relationship deal breakers that most think are just plain ridiculous. And number one on that list is this: I’ll never date a woman who drives a Pontiac Grand Prix or Grand Am. Period.
So I was happy to hear today that in an effort to cut more costs GM is planning to shutter the Pontiac brand. Obviously, I’m not happy for the workers, and I hope they can all find jobs quickly. But, on a personal level, I’m glad. I’m one step closer to meeting the right woman. Just as long as she doesn’t drive a Mitsubishi Eclipse.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Spice Up My Life
I don’t own a calendar or a day planner, so I’m never really sure what day it is. If you asked what numbered day two Tuesdays from now is, I wouldn’t be able to tell you, unless of course I have something going on around then. That’s how dates work for me. It’s probably why I sometimes forget about obligations I made. Thankfully, since I don’t do anything at all anymore, it’s been a bit easier to remember the few events that have crept on to my list of “must do”.
At a party the other night, a friend and I were trying to figure out what days the Red Sox would be playing the Twins. Thinking out loud (as I regularly do) I said that they were playing on Tuesday and Wednesday, because I had to give blood on Thursday. See how that works? I knew I had something going on that week and was able to count back a few days. Yes, it would be a lot easier with a planner, but this way keeps my memory sharp (does it?).
What I wasn’t anticipating was my friend’s approval to my comment about what I had going on that week. I mean, sure, I know I’m a good person for donating blood, but I don’t require other’s respect for my good deeds. In all honestly, I probably said it as more of a “see, I’m not such a lonely individual; I’ve got stuff going on” throwaway line. However, upon further consideration I decided maybe I could jazz up my personal life by making reference to these types of chivalrous acts.
“Wednesday’s the 15, because I know Friday’s the 17 and I’m vaccinating orphans that day.”
“I can’t do it at 2; I’ll be saving a baby from a burning building. Can we push the meeting back to 4?”
The objective is to make bland enough statements that are a real possibility, and not just slip into absurdity. It would be easy for me to say, “We’ll have to get together another day, because on Saturday I’m meeting with my accountant to convert all my common stock into adorable puppies and kittens.” Sure, when you mention puppies and kittens, most people’s eyes sort of glaze over with cuteness, but if someone actually is paying attention to what I said, they’d realize I'm spouting gibberish. Unless I totally sell it.
And I have to make sure to avoid the completely creepy, like “I know that it’s on Thursday because I’m making prom favors on Wednesday.” Yes, it sounds innocent enough, but I’m a grown man. Prom favors should no longer be in my vocabulary.
As long as I can avoid the creepy, I think I could pull this off. And give myself a much more interesting life in the process.
At a party the other night, a friend and I were trying to figure out what days the Red Sox would be playing the Twins. Thinking out loud (as I regularly do) I said that they were playing on Tuesday and Wednesday, because I had to give blood on Thursday. See how that works? I knew I had something going on that week and was able to count back a few days. Yes, it would be a lot easier with a planner, but this way keeps my memory sharp (does it?).
What I wasn’t anticipating was my friend’s approval to my comment about what I had going on that week. I mean, sure, I know I’m a good person for donating blood, but I don’t require other’s respect for my good deeds. In all honestly, I probably said it as more of a “see, I’m not such a lonely individual; I’ve got stuff going on” throwaway line. However, upon further consideration I decided maybe I could jazz up my personal life by making reference to these types of chivalrous acts.
“Wednesday’s the 15, because I know Friday’s the 17 and I’m vaccinating orphans that day.”
“I can’t do it at 2; I’ll be saving a baby from a burning building. Can we push the meeting back to 4?”
The objective is to make bland enough statements that are a real possibility, and not just slip into absurdity. It would be easy for me to say, “We’ll have to get together another day, because on Saturday I’m meeting with my accountant to convert all my common stock into adorable puppies and kittens.” Sure, when you mention puppies and kittens, most people’s eyes sort of glaze over with cuteness, but if someone actually is paying attention to what I said, they’d realize I'm spouting gibberish. Unless I totally sell it.
And I have to make sure to avoid the completely creepy, like “I know that it’s on Thursday because I’m making prom favors on Wednesday.” Yes, it sounds innocent enough, but I’m a grown man. Prom favors should no longer be in my vocabulary.
As long as I can avoid the creepy, I think I could pull this off. And give myself a much more interesting life in the process.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
A Formal Letter to Jason Segel
Dear Mr. Segel,
Thank you taking to time to read my letter. This is a formal request to be your friend. I’ve followed your career for several years, and have enjoyed your performances as Marshall in “How I Met Your Mother” and as Nick Andopolis on “Freaks and Geeks”. However, my favorite was your role in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. I felt like I could relate to your character of Peter, because I too like to date short women. While I’m not as tall as you, so it’s not nearly as awkwardly hilarious, women around 5’ tall? I dig ‘em. Having watched you on both the small and big screen, I always thought to myself that you’d be a great person to be friends with. But it was during your recent interview with Terry Gross on Fresh Air, that I thought I should do something about it.
I understand that finding true friends can be tough. Having a successful Hollywood career, there must be many people who want to befriend you only so they can say that they know you. However, I assure you my intentions are true. Well, yeah, it’d be sweet to say that I know you, but it wouldn’t be like saying I know “Crossing Over” host John Edwards. That’d be more like, “Yeah, I know John Edwards, now where’s my free drink?” With you, it would totally be “Yeah, and he’s as cool as you thought he’d be.” I want to assure you, though, that it wouldn’t be a one-sided relationship.
The benefits I’ll bring to the relationship are many: I’ll provide fresh baked cupcakes and homemade bread. In fact, around Christmas I go into cookie baking mode and bake almost every day. I have a great recipe for peanut blossoms, and I only make them around the winter holidays. I know you’re Jewish, but I don’t know how to make challa, sorry; I get bitingly sarcastic when I’m drunk, and much funnier as a result; and I randomly challenge people to dance-offs. But not in a Michael Jackson in “Bad” half dance-off/half knife fight kind of way. Just a regular dance-off where at the end, everyone is friendly and we all get ice cream cones. I’m currently learning the broom dance from the movie “Breakin’”. Once I do, I should be unstoppable.
Plus, I’ll totally keep it real with you. You won’t have to worry about me sucking up to you because you’re famous. Like I thought your goatee in “Knocked Up” looked horrendous. I’m still trying to figure out if that was really your facial hair, or if it was fake. Please tell me it was fake, G-d it looked awful. Maybe that upsets you to hear, and if so, then we probably shouldn’t be friends. But you seem like a cool dude, and someone who can take a ribbing.
I look forward to hearing from you, and towards a mutually beneficial relationship.
Thank you taking to time to read my letter. This is a formal request to be your friend. I’ve followed your career for several years, and have enjoyed your performances as Marshall in “How I Met Your Mother” and as Nick Andopolis on “Freaks and Geeks”. However, my favorite was your role in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. I felt like I could relate to your character of Peter, because I too like to date short women. While I’m not as tall as you, so it’s not nearly as awkwardly hilarious, women around 5’ tall? I dig ‘em. Having watched you on both the small and big screen, I always thought to myself that you’d be a great person to be friends with. But it was during your recent interview with Terry Gross on Fresh Air, that I thought I should do something about it.
I understand that finding true friends can be tough. Having a successful Hollywood career, there must be many people who want to befriend you only so they can say that they know you. However, I assure you my intentions are true. Well, yeah, it’d be sweet to say that I know you, but it wouldn’t be like saying I know “Crossing Over” host John Edwards. That’d be more like, “Yeah, I know John Edwards, now where’s my free drink?” With you, it would totally be “Yeah, and he’s as cool as you thought he’d be.” I want to assure you, though, that it wouldn’t be a one-sided relationship.
The benefits I’ll bring to the relationship are many: I’ll provide fresh baked cupcakes and homemade bread. In fact, around Christmas I go into cookie baking mode and bake almost every day. I have a great recipe for peanut blossoms, and I only make them around the winter holidays. I know you’re Jewish, but I don’t know how to make challa, sorry; I get bitingly sarcastic when I’m drunk, and much funnier as a result; and I randomly challenge people to dance-offs. But not in a Michael Jackson in “Bad” half dance-off/half knife fight kind of way. Just a regular dance-off where at the end, everyone is friendly and we all get ice cream cones. I’m currently learning the broom dance from the movie “Breakin’”. Once I do, I should be unstoppable.
Plus, I’ll totally keep it real with you. You won’t have to worry about me sucking up to you because you’re famous. Like I thought your goatee in “Knocked Up” looked horrendous. I’m still trying to figure out if that was really your facial hair, or if it was fake. Please tell me it was fake, G-d it looked awful. Maybe that upsets you to hear, and if so, then we probably shouldn’t be friends. But you seem like a cool dude, and someone who can take a ribbing.
I look forward to hearing from you, and towards a mutually beneficial relationship.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Thanks Mr. President, Thanks a Lot
In case you forgot, Barack Obama picked North Carolina to win the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. And they did. He also picked the Steelers in the Super Bowl and the Phillies in the World Series. Granted, I picked both the Steelers and the Phils, but still, the President’s got a groove. At the same time that he’s attempting to reprioritize education, scale back one war, escalate troops in another, overhaul health care and energy policy, along with combat a recession that has no equal in several decades, he’s also probably winning every office pool he enters. It makes you wonder if all sports are rigged to fall in the president’s favor.
But it’s not enough that he’s guessing right on sports teams, he also happens to be the coolest guy around. Just as I was perfecting my Brad Pitt mustache, Pitt shows up in Washington (sans mustache) as if to send a signal that, hey sorry, I got nothing on this new guy. I mean, he threw a party at the White House and had Stevie Wonder play. C’mon!
President Obama’s set the bar ridiculously high for the rest of us. While we can’t all expect to be president, it’s no longer enough for the regular guys to skate by on our looks or our smarts. No, now we have to look good and have a nuanced opinion on Hezbollah. Oh, and that’s not enough either, because the president also balls. So we need to be athletic as well. Sure, every other president was charismatic, but not too many have had the total package like Obama. Watch him flirt with this reporter. Admit it: dude’s got game.
What’s next, getting Kumar to come work for you at the White House? What?!
Well thank you, Mr. President, for making me seem like the schlub that I actually am.
But it’s not enough that he’s guessing right on sports teams, he also happens to be the coolest guy around. Just as I was perfecting my Brad Pitt mustache, Pitt shows up in Washington (sans mustache) as if to send a signal that, hey sorry, I got nothing on this new guy. I mean, he threw a party at the White House and had Stevie Wonder play. C’mon!
President Obama’s set the bar ridiculously high for the rest of us. While we can’t all expect to be president, it’s no longer enough for the regular guys to skate by on our looks or our smarts. No, now we have to look good and have a nuanced opinion on Hezbollah. Oh, and that’s not enough either, because the president also balls. So we need to be athletic as well. Sure, every other president was charismatic, but not too many have had the total package like Obama. Watch him flirt with this reporter. Admit it: dude’s got game.
What’s next, getting Kumar to come work for you at the White House? What?!
Well thank you, Mr. President, for making me seem like the schlub that I actually am.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Sigh, I'm Normal
I measured my wingspan today. Seventy-one inches. Or, just a bit longer than my height, which is what it should be. I was secretly hoping to find out my wingspan was like 6’ 6”, and I could lament the fact that if only I’d known sooner, I’d be in the NBA right now. As if a freakish wingspan is what’s been keeping me from pro basketball glory and not my height, lack of desire (or work ethic) and the fact that my shot is as flat as a midwestern girl’s hair. Before the measurement I wanted to learn that I had either an especially wide chest or comically long arms, praying for the latter. But neither is true.
Having a massive wingspan is to your benefit when you get to the NBA. For example, Kevin Durant is 6’ 10”, but his wingspan is close to 7’ 5”. Every scouting report on Durant mentions his wingspan; it’s something that defines him as a player. I think this could explain why people say that someone “plays bigger” than they are. Like I’m 5’ 9”, but I play like I’m 5’ 11”. My length really frustrates 4th graders.
I need to figure out what makes me unique. And I don’t want to hear, “your sparkling personality” or “you just ooze masculinity”, because we both know neither is true. Also, when looking for unique characteristics, they need to be quantifiable. Like you can point to Kevin Durant and say “the dude’s hands nearly scrape the floor when he walks”, or that Michael Phelps can touch his toes to the ground with his legs flat against the floor (truthfully).
What have I got going for me besides the fact that I’ve lost all feeling in one of toes (which is not something people can easily recognize)? I need something like laser beam eyes; something people can acknowledge about me right away. Something I can bring up in job interviews: My strengths? The ability to shoot lasers from my ocular glands. Weakness? I’ve cried during the movie “Love Actually”.
Maybe I’m not that normal.
Having a massive wingspan is to your benefit when you get to the NBA. For example, Kevin Durant is 6’ 10”, but his wingspan is close to 7’ 5”. Every scouting report on Durant mentions his wingspan; it’s something that defines him as a player. I think this could explain why people say that someone “plays bigger” than they are. Like I’m 5’ 9”, but I play like I’m 5’ 11”. My length really frustrates 4th graders.
I need to figure out what makes me unique. And I don’t want to hear, “your sparkling personality” or “you just ooze masculinity”, because we both know neither is true. Also, when looking for unique characteristics, they need to be quantifiable. Like you can point to Kevin Durant and say “the dude’s hands nearly scrape the floor when he walks”, or that Michael Phelps can touch his toes to the ground with his legs flat against the floor (truthfully).
What have I got going for me besides the fact that I’ve lost all feeling in one of toes (which is not something people can easily recognize)? I need something like laser beam eyes; something people can acknowledge about me right away. Something I can bring up in job interviews: My strengths? The ability to shoot lasers from my ocular glands. Weakness? I’ve cried during the movie “Love Actually”.
Maybe I’m not that normal.
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