900 Calories a Day

  In case I’m ever kidnapped and dumped in the woods, it’s good to know that I’ll be able to survive for days, because I’m training myself to live on 900 calories a day. Now, I know what many people are thinking: “900 calories? That’s less than half the recommended daily caloric intake for a typical person. And it’s almost ten times less than the number of calories Michael Phelps ingests.” Well, true, but I’m not Michael Phelps, and neither are you. Nor should you be. That guy does drugs!
  Before I get in to the details of my diet, I should throw out a few disclaimers.
  First, this is not a good diet if you want to lose weight. This diet is solely to help you survive the apocalypse. If you’re looking for a weight loss plan, think about exercise. And lay off the Funyuns.
  Second, it’s easy to exceed the 900 calorie limit (all before 9 am), so pay strict attention to what you eat. You don’t want to survive a plane crash in the Andes Mountains only to develop hunger pangs two hours later because you splurged on a cinnamon roll the morning before.
  When approaching your diet, it’s a good idea to make a detailed record of everything you eat. Do this for a week to get an accurate reflection of your pre-rapture diet. You might be surprised just how many calories you take in each day. Your new diet is something you need to ease in to. It won’t do you any good to “shock” your system. I mean, what are the chances that tomorrow you’ll fall down the town well and no one will notice your disappearance for days? I’d say slim. But it might happen next week (and you’ll be ready for it!).
  The first thing you want to do is make small changes. How many Tic Tacs do you eat in a day? Maybe five? Well that’s seven-and-a-half calories right there. You didn’t think it would add up so quickly, did you? Once you’ve made all the minor changes you can without completely compromising your immune system, it’s time to consider your diet as a whole.
  Even though you’re eliminating so many calories from your diet, you still need to eat regular meals. If you don’t, your stomach acid will have nothing to break down and will eat away (and through) your stomach lining. And what good is that going to do you when the world’s oil supply runs out and we're living like people did before the Industrial Revolution and you can’t ride a bike (your only mode of transportation) because your abdomen hurts too much to pedal? So here’s what you need to do: eat breakfast, eat lunch, eat dinner. Do not snack in between meals.
  How you get your 900 calories is up to you. But I like to splurge for my lunch. Perhaps I’ll eat an apple or banana with my plain peanut butter on un-enriched white bread. What I add in a lunch, I have to take out at dinner. Remember, rice is a great friend to you.
  While the diet may be tough initially, you’ll be grateful the next time you pass out at a party in the slums of some South American country; because no one will want to harvest your organs when they realize that your kidneys are only functioning at half-capacity (if that) and it’s a small miracle you’re alive at all. What kind of money can someone get for half working kidneys? And you’ve just saved yourself a morning of an ice cube bath and fresh stitches. All thanks to your diet.