Home Bound #2: Relationship Deal Breakers

I have a number of things that, yeah, there’s just no way I’m going to date you. They include (but aren’t limited to):
1. I won’t date a woman who drives a Pontiac Grand Prix or Grand Am. This has since expanded to the entire line of Pontiac cars. On the plus side, with the announcement a few months back that Pontiac would be shutting down, in the near future I might be able to cross this off the list.
2. Studded belts. And on a related note, I own a t-shirt that states, “I see a white belt and I want to paint it black”.
3. Ugg boots. Really, I don’t like them at all, but have considered revising my stance on this. Can’t fight for everything, right?
4. Women who wear pajama bottoms outside the house. This is as bad as men wearing sweatshirts and mesh shorts. It’s two in the afternoon, why are you just getting out of bed?
5. Women who run funny. I had forgotten this was on my list, and found it while reading some of my older writings. Which means, yes, I’ve talked about this list before. Many times.
My friends might point out that as long as most of them have known me, I’ve never had a girlfriend, and perhaps it has something to do with this list. The truth is, I don’t actually believe in the list.
It was like my party trick: “Zach, tell everyone again about the things you’re not looking for in a relationship.” The list is just a stupid thing I did with too much time and not enough dates. And while a person who stands on principle is admirable, sometimes he also has to know when to fall on his own flawed sword. It’s impossible to predict what you'll like in another person. I told a girlfriend over and over how much I hated horses, and then the next girl I dated owned a horse. What does that say about me? It says that somehow I found one of the few girls in the area who had a horse.
It’s time to retire the list. I’ll keep in my back pocket; maybe recite it at a party once a year, but desperates can’t be choosy, right? Except for the pajamas thing. Honestly, go get dressed.

Home Bound #1: I Got Dressed All by Myself

I need to learn to shut up. It’s not because I’m a liar. I’m not good at lying, so I rarely do it. No, it’s that I don’t know when to stop talking.
When I first started my job a co-worker complimented me on my shirt and tie. And I responded, “Thanks…” and then caught myself because the next words that were coming out of my mouth were, “My mom bought it for me.” Now it’s not that my mom buys all my clothes. She doesn’t. It’s just that every year for Christmas I get at least one shirt/tie combo. And over the years my mom’s gotten better at picking them out. So instead of finishing my thought I again said, “…Yeah, thanks.” But it was one of those awkward pauses where she could tell I had meant to say something and didn’t.
In high school I would tell people that my mom bought all my clothes. It was funny to me, because at 15 whose mom isn’t buying their clothes for them. Sure, the kid might be picking out what he wants to wear, but he’s not paying for them. It’s not so funny in my late 20s.
Usually, I’m not fortunate enough to stop myself. I once told a woman that my mom buys all my underwear. This was our third date, and after that night, I never heard from her again. Wonder why? It’s just that every Christmas (it’s always Christmas) I wouldn’t ask for much and I would get underwear. Which is what I explained to her. Except instead of offering an explanation I should have just nodded in agreement when she said that women buy cute underwear because it’s cute and guys don’t really do that, do they?
So that I’m not put in that position again, I started buying my own underwear. Problem solved.
My mom has tried to say it’s ok if she buys some of my clothes; after all, she picks out all of my dad’s dress shirts and ties. Yeah, but that’s different. I think that most wives buy clothes for their husbands, figuring there’s no way he could dress himself. Sorry, Dad. I don’t think I should be embarrassed that I get clothes as presents. Heck, I bet that’s what most people get. Maybe I just need to think of better phrasing: “Well thank you. I got this sweater for my birthday. I’m capable of buying my own clothes if that’s what you were thinking.” It needs work, but it sounds better than what I was planning to say.