It's All in My Head

I’m much funnier in my head. At least I like to think so. My brain works too fast for my mouth and has already moved on to something else by the time I get around to saying what I wanted to say and then words just spill out all over the place, never being what I originally intended to say, but now it’s out there and I can’t take it back. I’m unintentionally funny. When I speak, my brain’s running and trying to double-back hoping to catch any slips that I’m about to make. I usually fail to catch them, and I often dot my speech with phrases like, “I can’t believe I just said that,” or “That wasn’t what I meant to say.”
I often talk to myself in the car. Not on purpose. I don’t mean to say things out loud, again, it just sort of falls out. And then it’s there, waiting for company. And I’m worried that someone from the car in the other lane just saw me say to myself, “Yeah, but I would never eat oysters.” I wonder what it must be to watch me while I drive. I cringe, grimace, frown, and generally feel embarrassed for myself. Not from anything at that moment, but because I remember situations where I made a fool of myself when I was a kid. I can’t remember faces, or where I was yesterday, but I do remember the time in 5th grade when I slipped in the mud before school, getting my jeans soaked, and called my mother to bring me a change of pants, but instead she brought sweatpants and I changed in the boys’ bathroom by the third grade classrooms. I sometimes wonder if anyone else remembers those things about me. Like if at my ten-year reunion one of my former classmates will approach me to say they remember when I… But I bet most people can only recall their own embarrassing instances.
I’ve considered being mute for a stretch, but don’t want my brain to build up with too much to say that isn’t allowed to pour from my unfiltered mouth. I think I prefer writing to speaking. At least when I have a point I want to make. I have more time to compose; to formulate; and I can also revise. Because I know I can’t be relied on to clearly state my point when I’m talking. That’s asking too much of me.