What Did We Learn Today?

  I’m too hairy to own white bed sheets.
  I was doing laundry today, and when I was ready to wash my sheets, I noticed just how much hair I shed in the course of a night. Holy crap!
  Eight times out of ten, being hairy is a good thing (the other time is when trying to get the “youth discount” at the public pool; trying telling people there you’re just an early bloomer). Perhaps I need to switch to darker sheets, ones where my nightly de-forestation won’t be as pronounced. Or I could take a lint roller to my bed every morning. I can’t decide which one is the easier solution?

Two Birds, One Fuel Efficient Stone

  What If I told you there was a simple way to put a dent in our greenhouse gas emissions and re-start the auto industry at the same time? You'd say, well, duh. We already know what we need to do: build more fuel efficient cars (hybrids, plug-ins, etc...). It's simple, and you're an idiot if you don't think anyone's thought of it yet. 

  Sure, but how do you sell those cars to people? When gas was approaching $4 a gallon, consumers were clamoring for fuel efficiency. But now that gas is hovering around $2, interest has waned. And other than telling people, "yes, this is what we need to do," no one's doing anything to excite the consumer. Until now. Pull your chairs up to the breakfast table, because I'm about to fry up some knowledge flapjacks for you to enjoy.

  Fact! 65% of American adults are overweight or obese. Seriously. This is a fat country. People do not like walking. It's a car culture, and we've got the bumper stickers to prove it.

  Fact! The average American has over $9,000 in credit card debt. We open credit cards to pay off other credit cards. How ridiculous is that? If it weren't for shopping, I think many of us wouldn't know how to spend our free time. Have an intelligent conversation with friends? Why do that when Old Navy's having a sale on cargo shorts?!

  Observation! While many economists feel this country is in the worst recession in seventy years, you wouldn't know it by being at the mall over the weekend. We still love our shopping.

  Opinion! Ever notice that in a large parking lot everyone tries to get a spot closest to the door? Drivers will pass up a spot ten feet back because there might be a spot just that much closer to the store. Even better is when a driver will wait for a person to get in their car and back out of the spot when there's a spot three spaces down wide open. Sure, I have to wait longer in my car, but I'd have to walk an extra twenty feet, so that extra distance equals out to the time I'm waiting for that woman to put her bags in the trunk, then load her daughter into her seat in the back, then for her to get in, start up her car, check her phone for messages, and let her car idle. It's absolutely worth the walking time I'll save when I leave the store.

  Solution! The first row of parking in front of every big box retailer will now be hybrid parking only. It's that simple. Keep the handicap parking spots where they are and make the rest of that row hybrid parking. Heck, you could even make some of the prime spots plug-in hybrid spaces with a charging station. You can "fill up" while you shop. In California, hybrids are allowed to drive in the High Occupancy Vehicle lanes. You don't think people would buy hybrids just so they'd have a guaranteed good parking spot the next time they go to the Pottery Barn? 

  No need to thank me. I'm here to satiate the masses.

We're Getting There. Not Really

  I had planned on writing about how much of a slob my roommate is. Not dirty, just messy. Like how he leaves all his shoes sitting by the front door, with a pair or two directly in the way so that if I don’t pay attention when I leave for work I trip over them. I thought the most ridiculously passive aggressive way to handle it would be to grab all my shoes in my arms, dump them in front of the door, and say to him, “Is there where the shoes go?” Of course, to over dramatize the situation fully I’d need to not look at him as I walked away; except I don’t have two video cameras that I’d set up to catch the expression on his face and watch it over and over and over again. I’d make that face my screen saver.
  Or maybe the fact that there were two full garbage bags sitting in our kitchen for almost a week. Just sitting there. More garbage would get placed in them and still they sat there. It became a war of desires. My desire not to take care of it and for him to do something. And his desire not to do anything. To really understand, you’d need to know that he parks right next to the garbage cans. So every time he goes out to his car he can easily throw them out. He wouldn’t even have to make a trip of the extra sixty feet to the garbage and back!
  But I came back tonight to find the garbage out of the kitchen and his shoes neatly lined up by the door. Of course, there’s now an empty orange juice container on the dining table, but baby steps. Baby steps.
  I feel like I need to start giving him a quarterly report card like they gave you in kindergarten where everything is a yes/no answer.
  Washes dishes in a timely manner? No. Cleans up after self? No. Hangs up clothes (not leaving them draped over chairs)? No. Can tie shoes? Yes.
  At least he’s got that going for him. We can work on the rest. I Hope.

My (Hopeful) Interview with Topher Grace

I’ve been reading about Damon Weaver’s attempts to get an inauguration day interview with President-Elect Barack Obama. If you don’t know who he is, Damon’s a 10-year-old student journalist from Florida who’s been seeking an interview with Obama since the summer. So far, no go. To this point, Obama’s team has repeatedly turned down requests, even after a national media blitz by Damon. Seriously, how do you turn down a 10 year old? He’s already interviewed Joe Biden, so now he’s after the top dog. Since I’m not nearly as ambitious as Damon, I’ve decided to set my sights a bit lower. Why shoot for the moon when the lamppost is so much easier to hit, right? So for my new year’s resolution I want to conduct an interview with Topher Grace. He played Eric on “That 70’s Show,” remember?
Anyway, it seems like he’s disappeared since leaving that show and I’m curious as to what he’s doing (and I’m too lazy to do a Google search). And unlike Damon, I’ll only throw softballs at Topher. Such as:
“Besides making out with Scarlett Johansson in the movie 'In Good Company', what are you most proud of in life?”
-And-
“What are currently doing for work? Selling real estate, life insurance, or certified pre-owned BMWs?”
But like Damon, I need your help. Please mention this to anyone and everyone. By the end of the year I want to have a face-to-face interview with Topher Grace. I will fly anywhere I need to for this, but would really appreciate it if he would come to Minneapolis so I don’t have to buy a plane ticket. I plan on challenging him to an arm-wrestling contest and besting him in a game of Nok Hockey.
Help me make my dream a reality.

It Comes But Once a Year

  I’ve started putting on weight; storing fat to live off during my expected hibernation through winter. Only one part of that sentence isn’t true. I actually have been storing up fat.
  With Thanksgiving just a few days away, the (un)official start of cookie baking season has begun. For the next month I’ll go out of my mind baking all kinds of sweets, knowing that for the most part, I’ll be the one eating most of them. Sure, I give a lot away, but I probably make twice as many as I get rid of. “Maybe my cousins already went through the two dozen I gave them half a week ago. I’d better make more.”
  It can get a little confusing remembering where to put all the cookies I make. I’m sure I’ll need to give my roommate a refresher course soon: peanut butter balls go in the fridge, world’s best cookies and peanut blossoms go in the freezer, and the brownies stay out on the counter. I don’t see how this is difficult. Since they’re all made and in their proper place, it’s now just making sure he puts everything back, which, for some reason, is harder than it should be for a thirty year old man.
  Last winter, I offered some cookies to a friend. She declined, saying that she was trying to not put on a lot of weight over the holidays. Bad move. I like to think of the last few weeks of November and all of December as a lost cause. I know I’m going to put on weight and probably give myself diabetes, but I’ll worry about all that stuff in January. Right now, there’s a piece of pie crying out to crammed into my mouth.
  I wasn’t kidding when I said I plan to live off my fat; it’s what I did last winter. Starting last January I lost 15 pounds by eating practically nothing and running the heck out of my legs. Sure, I could moderate my diet over the next month. There’s no reason I have to over eat, but to me it’s just one of the joys of the holidays. It’s like why we gorge ourselves on meat around the 4th of July; it just feels right. And while I only get the meat sweats once a year, I can be buzzed on sugar for the next five weeks straight.
  If the sweets weren’t around I know I wouldn’t be craving it. But when it's sitting there, calling out to me, I can't help but get fat. I like to bake, even when it’s only for my benefit. And it’s why they make (non-sweat) pants with an adjustable waist, so we can all relax a bit around the holidays and, oh what the heck, I’ll have just one more cookie.